I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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