How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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