Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
