you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
