im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
