Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I'm getting married
To pizza
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
