apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
