I have demons in me.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
