Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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