The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
