I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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