My first STD was from a foam party
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
