I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize