i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
