he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
