Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
