the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize