the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
