Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
