at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I need to calm my uterus...
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
