i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
