Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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