You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
