She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
