I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
