I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
