Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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