Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
