your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
