True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
