i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
