we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
