After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
