When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
