You're so nebulous sometimes
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
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