I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
