im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
