You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
