i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
