I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
