I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Oh god it's open bar.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
