How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
