I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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