can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
