everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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