My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
