The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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