Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize