Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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