Kiss
Puke
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
