I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
