WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
