I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
They took my balls.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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