You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
you had me at cake vodka
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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