Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Someone signed my nipple.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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