i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
as a side note pls kill me
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
