see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
