Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Sorry about my life...
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
why is half of my head shaved?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
